The ramblings of a worried Momma!
My mind is a big jumbled mess lately. I have so much going on internally my brain wants to explode.
Over the last year I developed A-Fib. This added to my HCM (Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy) has taken quite a toll on me. My mind runs with “what ifs” and it is so hard to control those thoughts. It’s hard to optimistic when those pesky possibilities are front and center. Fear is so big in my mind and it sometimes overwhelms my heart.
I have an amazing husband that is so supportive and loves me more than I could imagine possible. He stands beside me and he tries everything he can to calm me. He can never truly understand the depth of fear that I experience daily. It is also something I NEVER want him to experience. He is always so strong when we face these battles. He always seems to be strong enough for both of us. I so desperately need his strength in the coming weeks. My fear has been magnified by the upcoming events.
I am having a Cardiac CryoAblation next week and I am so scared. The fear is unbelievable. I worry that those things that “could go wrong” WILL go wrong. But my husband holds my hand and promises that everything will be fine. I need that strength to get me through the next 2 weeks. Yes, Cardiac Ablation is a very common procedure and my doctor had done thousands, but it doesn’t change the fact that he is putting a balloon into my heart to fix a problem. I know the risks and am kind of prepared. I have had several things done with my heart, but no matter how many times I have a procedure, it never gets easier. In fact is seems to be getting harder the older I get.
I have a beautiful 11 year old daughter that has watched me with worried eyes daily for almost her entire life. That anxiety alone can destroy a child. I hate that she sees the worry and fear that I have for myself. I hate to think about how she will feel if one of those “what ifs” actually happened. As much as I love my husband, my daughter is everything to me. She is my heart and soul and I am so scared.
Fear overtakes me so often and it seems to really destroy my mind. See my baby girl knows everything I go through, we generally do not hide anything from her. Except this time. She has no idea that I am having a procedure next week. We do not want her to worry, since I do enough of that for all of us. We decided to wait and tell her the night before. She plays softball and has her last Fall Tournament this weekend and I do not want this on her mind before the tournament. I know she will have her biggest support here to keep her distracted while I am in the hospital. Her NaNa will probably spoil her and not send her to school that day, I can’t blame her. I would rather have her by my side the whole time, but COVID!
The added caution that the hospital has to take means that the two people I NEED by my side can’t be there to keep me calm. What does this do to the already present fear and anxiety? It quadruples it.
So, here is my prayer for the upcoming weeks.
Dear Lord
I pray for Your perfect peace to fill my heart. I pray You would remove any anxious thoughts and any fear that is in my heart and mind. Lord, please touch my heart. Overwhelm me with Your peace. Comfort me. I pray for rest and I pray that I can be still before You. Thank You for being my refuge. May Your will be done in Jesus’ name.
Amen
Wife Mommy Me 